Two Years After

I had scheduled to take today off. It is the second anniversary of my Mom’s death and at this point I still can use it as a valid reason to stop for reflection.

Unfortunately, things have been very slow at work, and when there was an urgent cry for help on an out-of-town client project, I couldn’t say no. However, this first day has been full of waiting for information so that I can really get working, so I still have some time to stop and think.

It’s funny how we are about things. We only went over to my parents’ house about once every two months even though they only live a little over 20 miles away. But no matter how little you see them, there are specific things that make you want to call, or remind you of them. And it carries on after they are gone. It has only been a couple of months since something happened that reminded me of her and I had to say out loud to my wife “I miss my Mom.”

But my remembrance is changing. She spent about nine months going from chronic complaints to diagnosed with a degenerative, untreatable condition, to death. And the difficulty of that time has buried all of the better times. So thinking of her tended to bring memories of the illness ─ slowly reducing strength; irritability; lack of appetite or taste for things that used to be favorites ─ and her death.

I cannot say that this has fully passed, but my memories are beginning to go back further. I recently had a dream in which she was briefly present, smiling and laughing like in years past. Now I do not put stock in using dreams to tell about the future. But I do think they tell about what is going on inside. This one speaks to me of the diminishing of the hurt of watching her spend those months wasting away to death and the return of the knowledge of the woman I new as Mom for 52 years.

I know that it is said that we all live on. I believe it. I see her in my sister. My wife says she sees certain characteristics of her in me. So her journey on earth has ended ─ and too soon ─ but who she was is ingrained in those who knew her well, and most notably in me, my sister, and my brother. I will avoid thinking of her no more. Surely there will be pain at times, but the joy is returning.